Pads & Panels

Title: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Directed by: Michael Bay

Written by: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman

Produced by: DreamWorks SKG, Paramount Pictures, Hasbro

Rating:

Review by: Bill Jones

In the school of good filmmaking, the special effects of a movie should always support the rest of the film, never overshadow it. In the school of Michael Bay filmmaking (post The Rock) the special effects are the film. Everything else – plot, dialogue, acting talent – is an unfortunate requirement for stringing together special effects for something to be played in a theater for the masses of the ADHD generation.

Okay, that’s not totally fair. There is still a place in Bay filmmaking for a healthy 13-year-old boy approach to sexuality – a lot of Maxim-style T&A via Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox). There is also enough room for forced sitcom-esque humor, but only when there aren’t things exploding, which is pretty much all the time in the two-and-a-half-hour visual extravaganza that is Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, proving once again Bay deserves to be president and CEO of an SFX department, but not in creative control of any motion picture.

After a brief “history of mankind” intro, we find that after the events of the first Transformers flick, the Autobots have aligned with the United States military to help protect the country. One might think they would help the world at large, but apparently they’ve aligned themselves only with the red, white and blue. The parents of Sam (Shia LaBeouf) take a few minutes out from the hectic action to travel to France and make snide remarks about the country’s culture, so there’s that, too.

But back to the plot. Actually, nevermind. John Turturro reprises his role in the movie as Agent Simmons, and, at one point late in Transformers 2, after some confusion on the part of the characters and the audience, demands that one of the bots explain the “Plot! Exposition!” as he yells. At this point, Simmons has to be the only person on the planet who gives a shit about what is going on.

The intellectual crowd has likely left the theater, or never went in the first place, and the die-hard Bay fans didn’t care about the movie’s plot from the start. How could they? Flashing! Exploding! Robots!

Transformers 2 is one giant amalgamation of computer-generated imaging. And then Sam and Mikaela run all over the place, shouting things about which no one could possibly care. This is wrapped in with a teenage sitcom of a story, in which Sam just wants to go to a ridiculously expensive college where Dwight Schrute is a womanizing professor and be a “normal” teenage boy, having a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend.

Even though the two “discovered an alien race together,” Sam and Mikaela are on the rocks. They’re having trouble saying the L word, because, well, relationships are complicated, and because they’re both really, really stupid people. And of course despite putting in all the effort to build a long-distance relationship kit to keep in touch with Mikaela, Sam finds himself screwing things up with compromising situations. And it’s not just because that’s how things usually roll in a sitcom – things like his mother accidentally buying pot brownies and embarrassing him on campus, or a supposedly super-powerful Autobot throwing a “Whatever”-caliber temper tantrum – but also because he’s really friggin stupid.

Mikaela, likewise, finds herself training a mini-Decepticon to basically be her purse Chihuahua, as it is described in the film. As annoying as the thing can be, it provides one of the most honest lines of dialogue in the entire film.

“You’re hot, but you ain’t too bright!”

Did I mention that the characters in this film are really, really stupid? So are the robots – stereotypically so, in fact. Throughout the film, a pair of robots – let’s call them brothers – talk in a thick urban dialect, and in case it wasn’t clear enough that they are some color other than white, one has a huge gold tooth. It raises the question of ethnic stereotyping – with robots no less – but they are only questions…Until they are asked to read a set of ancient symbols, and the two stumble over their words, in that urban dialect, as they admit they don’t know how to read…Wow!

And this a prime example of Bay’s sense of humor. He also apparently finds humping incredibly funny. Early on, we see a Chihuahua humping some sort of ugly pug on a couch, and Sam’s dad makes a quip about not dominating the other pooch. Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Then, amidst a swirl of explosive action, Bay cuts back to the dogs humping in a tree house for no apparent reason other than another try for a laugh. But it doesn’t end there. How could it? Bumblebee pissed oil on Simmons in the first flick, and the only place to go from there is up. Bay gives it one more go when the aforementioned mini-RC bot starts humping Mikaela’s leg. Sam wants to know, as we all do, what the hell is going on. Because they are fighting, she takes a dig by saying the robot is at least faithful. Hilarious!

Fans of Bay will undoubtedly defend Transformers 2 as “fun,” as has often become the word for sub-par summer blockbuster filmmaking with big explosions, but the argument doesn’t hold up. Star Trek has already proven this year that it is possible to be a “fun” summer flick without dropping standards to the lowest common denominator.

Bay apparently didn’t get the memo. And there is very little that is “fun” about Transformers 2. In a movie that is all about the visuals, it is mostly ugly and always lifeless. Optimus Prime stands out with his blue and red scheme, but the Decepticons are relegated to metallic silvers and golds, which blend in with most of the buildings and desert backdrops with downright ugly results. The acting is atrocious. If viewers haven’t seen LaBeouf and Fox in other movies, it would be easy to confuse them with the CGI. No one offers anything that makes Transformers 2 worth caring about, and so despite more than two hours of intense action, the experience is an incredible bore. Fox serves one purpose, and that is defined by her introductory shot, which sees her straddling a bike in short shorts and a low-cut top. It is nothing a Google image search can’t provide, without the pain of the film.

The movie undoubtedly has its moments. In the mostly missed attempts at humor, there are a few hits. And the SFX shine in certain scenes. The explosions begin no more than five minutes into the movie, and by the 10-minute mark, a factory and bridge have both been demolished in a grand battle that plays out like a fireworks display. There is also an absolutely awesome moment in the first half that sees Optimus grab a Decepticon’s face from behind and tear it apart. But these moments comprise mere minutes of the film, and the rest is a blur of machinery rolling around itself, making Transformers 2 akin to being handed an ice cream cone in hell.

For more info, www.transformersmovie.com